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Post by Kari Muffin on Nov 26, 2007 20:01:19 GMT -5
Okay. That somehow explained everything and nothing at the same time. He wanted to cry, he wanted to give up here and now, but he said there was a way to work with it and... he was a person. Kazifel wasn't sure anymore about how broken he was. He wasn't sure about anything anymore.
When he looked at Femi everything seemed to spiral further down. Pain. A horrible pain seemed to overwhelm him as he nodded in acknowledgment. He got up and followed her. At this point he didn't see any other solution.
Would this ever turn out right? Would he ever do anything right at all. He held back all of his whimpering and whining as he walked down the stairs. This was all so terrifying and confusing. It's was just as if his heart was breaking with each and every step. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
It was all his fault. All his fault.
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Post by The Jenn on Nov 26, 2007 20:14:07 GMT -5
As they stepped out the door of the keep and Femi heard it close behind them, she suddenly dropped to her knees and couldn't hold back one single, wracking sob before quickly stopping and just shaking. She would not cry. She would not cry and upset her love, no, that was the last thing he needed right now. After everything she had done for him... Done to him, apparently.  It was all her fault. All her fault. She had promised to help him, to help fix him and to love him forever. The second was easy. She would never stop loving him now, couldn't now that she'd experienced such wonderful feelings and been held by someone who actually cared about her like he did. But she had apparently betrayed him, betrayed that love without realizing. "I'm... so sorry," she gasped out, hugging her hands around her and shivering. "I didn't know... I swear I didn't know... but that... it doesn't make it any better. I sanded you, I painted you, I... I broke you. I treated you just like one of my dolls. And all this time, you... it was hurting you, everything I did. Everything... making it harder for you to become whole. I promised to help fix you. But I was just making it harder for you the whole time."As she spoke, tears began filling her eyes and she closed them tightly, which made the tears overflow. She whimpered, so upset that it physically hurt her and made her stomach cramp. How could she possibly do this to the person she loved? After meeting him, falling head over heels in love with him, devoting herself to him from that moment onward. Devoting her time... to making it worse. "I'm a horrible person," she whimpered, small claws digging into her sides hard enough to make them bleed. |
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Post by Kari Muffin on Nov 26, 2007 20:30:08 GMT -5
Kazifel went wide eyed as she fell to her knees. What? No! What she was saying was wrong. So very wrong! He knelt down besides her and hugged her. He was shaking as she clenched her sides. "No! No! It's not your fault at all!" he whimpered. It really wasn't her fault. It couldn't be. She was the one who was kind to him, the one and only person who had tired to help him. To fix him. To make him better than he was.
"I-I did this to myself. Cassiel did this to me. I accepted it. It's my fault. All my fault. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have met you. It's all my fault your miserable now." He let out another concerned whimper. He couldn't make this better at all. He had destroyed what little hope he had. There it was, shattered on the ground. He had made Femi miserable and... he was useless. Just far beyond broken. "I'm so sorry. So... so sorry. I'm the horrible one! I'm the horrible person!"
At this point, Kazifel didn't know what was coming from his mouth.
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Post by The Jenn on Nov 26, 2007 20:43:55 GMT -5
His words made Femi's throat close with tears and she sobbed again, hands moving away from her sides and going around him, clinging. The nails were bloody and she didn't even notice. "No no no nono, please don't say that. My love... my darling, I would have looked forever for you. To find you and to cherish you. I just... I did it wrong."
She buried her head against his jacket and shirt, the material soaking up her tears as she clung. She couldn't let him think these things about himself, not if he was going to become whole again. Not if she stood even a chance, a shred of a chance of fulfilling her promise. "I would understand if you never wanted to see me again, my love. I would understand, because I broke my promise and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... you're not held to yours, to stay with me... to be with me forever, my love always and forever... but if you'll just give me another chance, please, I want to help you. I... I need to help you, even if you don't want to be mine anymore."
What he needed she wasn't sure she could give. He needed to be a person. "I... I really don't know very well how to be a person. I've never been good at it. Everyone's told me that, ever since I was little. You know a lot more about being a person than I do, I think, since you used to be... since you are one. You just... need to remember. Please let me help you. Please."
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Post by Kari Muffin on Nov 26, 2007 20:54:15 GMT -5
"I-I-I promised you. I think that's more important than fixing me. You're the only one ever to care about me." He said in a small voice. He was admitting something out loud. He didn't like doing that. He wasn't used to doing it.
"I don't think you're a horrible person, Femi. I think your the best person I've ever met." It was the truth. No one had treated him like anything else besides a monster or... they thought he was useless. He clung on to Femi. She really did care. She really was the only one. "C-can we still go home or do you not want me there?"
He dreaded it. Did she really love him? Would she really love him forever like she said she would? He honestly would give up everything for her. Everything. It was just... something felt like it was breaking inside of him. Shattering with each pained word that she spoke. He wanted to make her feel better. "Please?"
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Post by The Jenn on Nov 26, 2007 21:08:25 GMT -5
Femi wanted to hold on to him and never let go. In one sense, that's exactly what she would be doing. In another... they needed to stand up. She needed to get hold of herself. She was upsetting him by being so silly, so weak-spirited. He loved her, and he cared about her, and she would make sure it lasted forever. She would do anything to make it last forever. Without it, she wasn't sure whether or not she would last. Was this what people meant when they talked about 'loving someone to death', this feeling that they would die without them?
"You will always belong where I am," she said fiercely, clinging tight before slowly forcing some of her muscles to relax, to release their death-grip and let her move back enough to look at his face. His beautiful, painted face. "My home is your home, whether or not you want to stay there, and that will never, ever change. I don't think you're a horrible person. I don't think at all that you're a horrible... person..."
Suddenly her face went completely startled. "Kazifel, my love, you just called yourself a... person. Just now, you did. Maybe... I haven't ruined our chances after all. Maybe I haven't broken you beyond repair." With one trembling hand, still covered with colorful dust, she reached up to touch his cheek. "Maybe you aren't as broken as you said you were before. Or you're just too strong to be broken that badly... because even though you told Vren you thought you were a doll, you just... said person. And you didn't even realize it, and neither did I until just now, but... that's big, my beautiful Kazifel d-" She stopped herself and flushed, head ducking down in shame. "I need to work on that," she said in a small voice. "I'm sorry. Let's... let's go home, then. We can work on it there."
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Post by Kari Muffin on Nov 26, 2007 21:20:51 GMT -5
His eyes widened as she spoke. She really did love him. He would have cried in joy if he could. Instead he smiled at her. He was about to say thank you, but she said something else.
Kazifel blinked a few extra times. Had he really said that? He didn't remembering saying that but he didn't remember saying a lot of things did he? He blinked at her again. "I... am a person aren't I?" he said rather than asked with a tilt of his head. He had been wrong for twenty years then? His sister hand been wrong after all that time? Cassiel... why couldn't he just let go of her?
"But you know, calling me something that I'm not can't hurt me. If I am what I am, then nothing can change that." He nodded as he put his hand on hers, and then into hers. He stood up with a smile. "You can call me what every you like. You are Femi, My Queen."
Then they walked. It was a while, a long while, before they made it back to the house. Home, Kazifel reminded himself, was where his heart would always be. He was a person then? A person with a heart? Yes. Yes. He had to be. It was the only way. Otherwise he would break more than his own heart.
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Post by The Jenn on Nov 26, 2007 21:33:22 GMT -5
The whole walk back, Femi's mind was whirling, trying to comprehend and absorb everything that had just happened at Vren's house. Had there ever been a time without this beautiful, amazing man beside her? Nineteen years and they all seemed like nothing when compared with the week they'd shared together. It was as if her life was really only starting, now that she had him, someone to love and to love her. His Queen. Now she finally had someone... worth being a Queen for. Everything paled to insignificance beside him.
She really was an obsessive little thing.
Pulling out her key to open the door, the only thing that she could think was that he was a person. A person, like she was a person. That's how he could make her so happy, feel so complete. For all that her house was filled with dolls to talk to, to spend her time with, none of them... were people. None of them had ever been able to make her this happy, not ever. Only him. He really was her everything.
She slowly turned the key and opened the door, but turned to face him before they walked inside. "You have to be a person," she said seriously, matter-of-fact. "I have hundreds of dolls, but only one you. Only one Kazifel. And you're the only one who's ever managed to make me happy like this." She leaned over and kissed him, just a brush, then blushed happily and scurried inside.
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Post by Kari Muffin on Nov 26, 2007 21:45:59 GMT -5
He stood there for a moment slightly confused. Oh, had she just? Kazifel grinned. Okay, that made everything better. She really did believe in him, and she really did love him. There was no doubt in Kazifel's mind as he slipped in behind her.
So if he was a person what had their time together meant? That, he thought, would leave for later. He honestly didn't want to think about those uncomfortable moments without a head. He couldn't help but wonder what this meant for the future. At the moment he wasn't sure he cared. A lot had happened in a single day.
And Femi was happy again. As far as Kazifel was concerned all other problems could wait. She had given him so much that he had never truly had before. Love, something to live for. He wouldn't be a broken doll anymore because he met Femi. He would be something better. A person. He would be Kazifel. And he knew that this was going to take a lot more than a few happy thoughts. That worried him a bit.
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Post by The Jenn on Nov 26, 2007 22:09:36 GMT -5
With evening falling quite rapidly following their afternoon escapade, Femi felt absolutely no need to do anything. She was happy but felt tired and worn out, like someone had squeezed her and hung her up to dry. So many emotional ups and downs today... it made her feel like she was climbing trees and kept falling off of the lower branches before hopping back up and swinging higher, and the higher she went, the closer she was to her love.
Her fur was still covered in strange-smelling dust... but her bed was still covered in wood dust, too. She had only cleaned herself off that morning, not changed the sheets or the blankets. So maybe she could just go and flop down on it anyway. Shrugging her shoulders, she moved over to the bed and just fell down on it, watching in amusement as bits of dust poofed up into the air when she did so. Dirty, but oh well. It wasn't a smell-bad kind of dirty, just a woody and smell-strange kind of dirty. The dust almost reminded her of some sort of spice, but she couldn't put her paw on it.
"How do you practice being a person?" she asked him curiously as he followed her. "What do normal people do? What makes them happy? What would make you happy right now?"
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