Linger [Finished]

[carcinoGeneticist]

Donalda,

I regret that it has taken me such a long time to write this letter. There have been many times that I have attempted to do so, but every time I put pen to paper my words run out, no matter how deep my inkwell may be. I suppose your assention to the position of Queen of Spades served as a reason to attempt to say these things to you once more.

First and foremost, I congratulate you. To have risen to such a position is no small feat, and I have heard that your battle was a hard one. It was also one well-earned and well-fought. Your suit needed one with your strength, and I predict that under your leadership, great things will come to all Spades. Had I not been in the Gardens at the time, I would have gladly travelled to show my support, but word did not reach me until after you had won, though thinking on it now that might not have been the best of ideas.

As it is, I am writing to tell you that I intend to take the Diamond throne. His Majesty Theofilus has been a fair ruler for many years, and he has become frail and old. It is my belief that my Suit could stand to see youth once more, to find pride in what we are and what we always have been. I hope to mount a peaceful assent onto the throne - while Lysaras was not favored by many, it would seem that the old Sparrow is very popular, and I have no desire to set aflame the rage of those closest to him.

If he is not willing to step down, however, I will challenge him. That is why I am writing you today.

It has taken me many years to come to terms with how things ended between us. I can look back on our years together with fondness now, something which has not always been true. I suppose...

What I wanted to say, Donnie, is that I don't regret it. I don't regret us. I do regret how things ended and the ill-will I have carried because of it, however.

There are many things that have gone unsaid in the years since I've last seen you. A week after you'd moved the last of your things, I found that I was pregnant. It was my fullest intent to get in contact with you as soon as I had personally come to terms with it, but I suffered a miscarriage a month later. I mourn that every day. You know how I wanted children. I still dream about them and what they would have been - Beautiful Yarrow and Villa daughters to do their parents proud in every way.

But I digress.

I am telling you this now in case my meeting with Theofilus should end in my death. I very much hope this is not the case, as I am sure you would have guessed.

Congratulations, Donnie. I hope your life continues to lead you to such astounding hights.

Respectfully,

Sadie

Sadie set the pen down and stared for a long time at the letter in front of her. Then, without another thought, she folded it and tucked it inside of its envelope, sealing it closed.

There was no turning back now.

[The Jenn]

Donnie read the letter and then read it again, staring at it blankly and occasionally rereading bits for half an hour before she could think to find paper. Thinking was hard just then. She... needed to reply. Yes. There had to be a pen somewhere in here. Damn it.

Of course she'd heard of the events unfolding in the Court of Diamonds. The death of a Queen merited the quick and confusing spread of gossip that eventually became more clear when investigated through official channels. She just wasn't sure what to make of it all. She'd given her sparrow King leave, whether or not he chose to take advantage of it, and everyone was waiting to see what the new Queen was like.

Except for her. She thought she had an inkling.

Sadie,

I must admit that I was quite surprised to find a letter with your handwriting waiting for me this afternoon on my desk. I'm assuming that the post was slow in its delivery, as it arrived on the heels of news that you took the throne after the untimely demise of the late Queen Theofilus. He will be mourned by many, especially with his familial and business connections spread throughout the realms. Congratulations on a bloodless succession. That will doubtless make things easier for you, a lack of lingering resentment as you seek to change the Suit.

Though it may sound petty, I am glad you were not in attendance to witness my ascention. It was a mess and I don't know how I would have taken your presence. Things were very strange that day. I'm not sure if I was in my right mind for most of it, especially not during the aftermath. For all that we talked about the Courts for hours, things are a great deal harder than I'd expected. Very different. I hope you don't have as much of a struggle as I have these past few years.

Your letter has forced me to look at a few other things that I've been struggling with and ignoring for some time now. I try not to think too much of the past with so much to do in the present and so many things to work for in the future. Sometimes it's inevitable. You were a large part of my life for a while there. You were huge. You were almost everything. I can't deny what we had or what I felt. What happened between us left an open sore that I didn't want to pick at for fear that it would fester.

I did. It did. It healed, I think, and it only aches occasionally when I poke at it like I'm doing now.

So much that needs to be said, and I'm not sure that I can do it all justice. Blame any lack of eloquence from this point on exhaustion, distraction, unrest, whatever you'd like. It's late. I'm tired.

And I had no idea that you were pregnant. That might have changed something. Maybe for the better. Probably not. I don't think we could have raised children with you at the point we had reached, not without screwing up their lives in some way. Maybe we just weren't meant to have any. I'd thought that, by the end. Hearing that you were pregnant, I'm not so sure. I can't say a miscarriage was for the best, but it certainly leaves a lot up in the air. I don't know. It's kind of a shock to hear.

Congratulations on not dying, on gaining the throne you always knew you'd have, and on writing a letter that makes me feel petty for still not being over everything that happened. I'm not angry. Most of the time. I'm probably not doing a very good job of finishing this letter either. Oh well. But if we're going to interact in a political setting without having a million words hanging unspoken in the air between us, I think we should arrange a meeting somewhere public but out of the way. I think we owe it to our Courts not to drag them into any awkwardness or nastiness we might have left, if we can help it. Cliffs know I don't want to screw things up between Spades and Diamonds just because I'm not sure how I'll react to seeing you again. Better that we test things out of the limelight first?

I'll keep an eye out for your reply. For now, I'm going to bed.

Donnie

[carcinoGeneticist]

When the letter arrived, Sadie ignored it. When she finally picked it up again it was just starting to get dark outside, and she could no longer ignore it. She carried it softly and read it again and again. Each new line was something she both feared and anticipated, like reaching into a bag and wondering if you'd pull out a diamond or an angry bandersnatch. There were lines of both varieties in the letter, and by the time Sadie set the letter down once more she was aware of the fact that the sun was rising. She blinked, reached up to touch her cheek, felt a start when her fingers brushed across tears.

Swiftly, she penned out a reply to Donalda, fingers dancing over the page. She finished it in time for the mail carrier to pick it up. It agreed to the need for them to meet once more, and also proposed a date and location for the meeting to occur.

A week from when the letter was scheduled to arrive. It would be a long enough time for Donnie to travel to Yarrow, but not too long for either party to get jittery and nervous. The location was something she written down without considering, her favorite bar, but when she'd realized that it was the same place she and Donnie had first met, it took all of her strength not to chase down the mailman and tear the letter into little bitty pieces. Instead, she collapsed into her bed and cried into her pillow, finally falling asleep as the sun fully broke over the horizon.

~~~

The time passed slowly, but Sadie had more than enough work to keep herself distracted. When the time came, she'd arranged with the old King, Vestra, a way to get in contact with her if anything important were to come up. She was only planning to be away for a day or two at the very most. She was needed in her Court, after all, and she was certain that Donnie couldn't be away for long either. Besides, the meeting would be just that - a meeting in which they would pat each other on the backs, offer heartfelt congratulations, and try to put the past beside them.

Sadie could feel the lie in her own thoughts.

When she stepped out of the carriage and looked at the little bar, a place that she'd known like the back of her hand before. How much time had she spent there? She took a deep breath and walked up to it, stepping in. The familiarity of the place was comforting. Soft music swelled around her, and she slipped into a booth that Donnie would almost certainly be drawn to as well. The mantis gave the room a precursory glance and sighed with relief - there was no sign of Dyane. She just wouldn't be able to deal with that woman right now.

She ordered a bottle of wine, one that she'd remembered Donnie had liked. A glass was poured for her, but it sat untouched for the time being. Now, she just had to wait.

[The Jenn]

Donnie wasn't sure, after sending the letter, what she expected. Maybe the sun should take a day off from rising or a flock of birds should suddenly die en mass in the courtyard. Or things could just happen as per usual. That was fine, and what ended up happening. Trust nature to fail when it came to obliging a melodramatic relationship. Post-relationship. Whatever it was. Sigh.

The eventual reply had her mind buzzing with questions and no easy answers. She had agreed to a meeting, which was good. She'd decided to meet... in the bar where they'd first hooked up. Okay...? And what message was she trying to send with that one? A fresh start? A flood of nostalgia? Some good drinks? It was impossible to tell with Sadie sometimes. Her head could make things so complicated, or it could mean nothing at all. Damn it.

She wrangled for a few days off, promising Vessatha something delicious and exotic and potentially dangerous from Yarrow in exchange for extra work in her absence. The hussy would have fun with some addictive perfume, she was sure, whether or not she knew about the addictive properties of the stuff going in. She enjoyed the brief trip through the regions and had fun toying with the guards at the Yarrow border when they checked her coach. Peoples' reactions could be so funny sometimes.

Evening had fallen when she arrived at the inn and dumped her things, and fiddled with her hair for a few minutes in front of the mirror before giving herself a disgusted face and just leaving it. Rawr. She would look how she looked, and everyone would have to deal with it. Herself included. And wasn't that just the hard part.

She entered the bar with her breath held and her throat tight, glancing around as the memories assaulted her mind like bartenders with tabs to settle. Some things had changed, but not enough. It still felt comfortably familiar, and that was a dangerous feeling that she was going to have to fight for the entire evening. Without even realizing it, her eyes drifted towards a booth to the side of the room. It was occupied. Of course.

Bitch. What game was she playing?

Feeling more nervous than she'd wanted to, the woman walked over to the booth and slid into the seat. Then she gave the other human a long, steady look.

Years. It had been... years. Damn it. This shouldn't be so hard. Things had been uncomfortably settled between them for a long time. What right did she have to look so good, sitting there with a glass of wine in front of her and those fucking freckles spattered across her nose and cheeks? Had she gotten more muscular? It was subtle. Probably training to take the Queenship.

With a quick breath and a sharp smile, she looked the Yarrow in the eye. "...hey."

Well, that was lame. Way to go.

[carcinoGeneticist]

Sadie felt... Twitchy. It was a bizzare thing to be feeling, after all, she'd felt as cool as an ice-cream cone in the Glacier at midnight when she'd taken over the Queenship. This, though, oh, this was an entirely different matter. Politics came to Sadie as easily as breathing, she sometimes felt, but when it came to interpersonal relationships and emotions, she felt lost. Donnie was the best (or worst) example of all of this, and there was a moment when the mantis wondered if she would be able to bolt before Donnie arrived.

She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't notice the woman herself cross the room, but she turned her fuscia eyes upwards when she stood beside the seat waiting for her. A smile twitched at her lips but it was nervous, and she waited for Donnie to say something to break the silence. She would do it gladly, but the words wouldn't come. How long had it been since she'd last seen the Wolverine? Years. Why had she thought this would be a good idea? The sight of Donnie's handwriting on her letter had been enough to make Sadie's head spin, why had she thougt it would be okay to actually sit in a room with the woman?

And honestly, Donnie looked amazing. She looked older, to be sure. But it was a nice kind of older, the kind that made a woman hold herself straighter and look more elegant. Sadie found her eyes drawn to the small patch of skin she could see beneath Donnie's shirt, saw the edges of black against the smooth ivory of her skin... And then, rather abruptly, she looked away, blushing. It wasn't uncommon to look at someone else's rank.

But damn all the flowers of the Gardens, Donnie looked incredible.

"Hey,[/b]" she returned softly, her greeting sounding equally awkward. But she wasn't really sure how else to respond, and the words were like charcoal in her mouth. She had to fight to make them come out properly. She motioned towards the wine, deciding that would be a safe path for their conversation. For the time being, of course. "...Can I pour you a glass?[/b]"

[The Jenn]

Waiting for something to be said, Donnie felt acutely aware of every blemish and scar she'd gained over the years of their mutual silence. The columns of circles on her back itched, the faint and slowly fading circles on her forearms felt tight, and the frustrating zit on the back of her neck under her hairline felt as though it wore a flashlight screaming its presence. There were other little things, nicks and fading bruises from this, that, or the other thing. Life happened at the Court, and it happened hard sometimes, especially when she stuck her nose into everything she could.

Good thing she'd found herself a pleasant fling recently or she had a feeling she'd be doing a lot more staring and a lot less thinking.

"That'd be great," she agreed after a moment's hesitation. She was picky about wines, but Sadie knew what she liked. Her eyes flicked to the label and something in her relaxed. Not only did the mantis know, but she'd ordered something she liked. That set things off on a better tone. Great. Fantastic. Was she feeling a little queasy?

Maybe wine wasn't such a good idea. Oh well. Too late now. And this bar served shellfish, didn't it? She could feel her mouth water a little at the thought. Decent shellfish that she could trust. Oh, heaven.

And company that... maybe she could and maybe she couldn't.

Aw hell. This pussyfooting was getting on her nerves. "So you're looking pretty good," she started, leaning back in a deliberate show of relaxation and comfort against the booth. "Nice to see you've been taking care of yourself. How's the Court been treating you? Ready to rip off a few heads yet?" Ah, inside jokes. At least that wasn't one of the painful ones.

[carcinoGeneticist]

How awkward could it get? The worst part was that Sadie wasn't sure what made things worse, the idea that they were silent because they weren't sure what to say to each other or the idea that there was simply too much and the silence was all that was keeping a torrent of words from sweeping them both up. "I haven't had this vintage for years, but I've been assured that it's aged well.[/b]" she said casually as she poured Donnie a glass. Then she held it out to the woman, eyes bright with interest as she did.

A part of her mind told her that this was dangerous. Drinking while she was feeling this conflicted couldn't lead to anything good - but she felt like it was a good way to break the tension. She lifted her own glass once her companion had accepted the other, watching the woman from over the lip.

"...Thank you,[/b]" Sadie said, sounding somewhat uneasy. She knew when she was being lied to, and Donnie was being completely honest. She knew that she'd spent extra time on making herself look good (a subconscious effort to show the other woman what she'd missed out on, she knew, a fact she wasn't exactly proud of), but she'd never thought that Donnie would actually comment on it. "You do, too. Actually... you look great, Donnie. Queenship suits you well. It's been going well so far... All the heads that needed to be removed have long since rolled, I assure you of that. I had to start with some roses that went unpruned for far too long.[/b]"

She found herself grinning at Donnie, startled by how easy it was to fall back into the banter that she'd always enjoyed. Slowly, she held up her glass. "How about a toast? To what will hopefully be a mutually beneficial relationship between our Courts.[/b]"

[The Jenn]

"It's aged remarkably well," Donnie agreed, taking a bigger sip than she probably should. She wanted to savor it, and she wanted to gulp it, and she wanted to push it away and avoid it for the rest of the evening. She compromised between the first two, wondering just how good an idea all of this really was. At least the wine reminded her of the better times.

She wondered at the tone of the other woman's voice at first. What was that supposed to mean, that 'thank you'? She couldn't stop an eyebrow from raising, half in curiosity and half in a subconsciously challenging expression. What? Seriously...

But the flattery was nice. She wondered how much was just a return of pleasantries and how much was genuine. Sometimes she really couldn't tell with Sadie. Whatever it was, she said it pleasantly enough and it still made something in the pit of her stomach feel good to hear. Everybody liked a compliment every now and again. Especially from an ex, when it wasn't filled with venom.

"Oh gods, do I know what you mean about that... would you believe that I found the gardeners doing checkmate when I first took office? All of them?" Holding the common Yarrow view on drugs, namely that they were a vile evil that needed to be eradicated from the regions with the exception of certain Yarrow-made items, she knew the fact would mean more to Sadie than it might to someone from the Capital. Drugs were bad, m'kay. Every Yarrow or Yarrow-mix who frequented the region became acquainted with that mindset.

She paused mid-sip from her glass and lowered it with a faint, sheepish expression flitting across her face. Yes, trust her to get right into things. "That sounds safe," she agreed mildly. Then she mentally kicked herself. Well, didn't that sound tense and potentially full of implications. "I mean, great. It sounds great. All we can ask for, eh?" Oh, and wasn't that just so much better. Her face showed the self-aggravation. "Fuck. Let's just drink. How are you doing?"

That could have gone better. Nobody could make her feel more like an uneducated brute than Sadie, without even trying. And she was the one from the Villa! It was ridiculous. Something about the Diamond polish, she supposed.

[carcinoGeneticist]

Slowly, Sadie tipped back the glass, taking a long sip of the wine. "Mnn,[/b]" she said by way of agreeing, nodding as she set the glass down. It was good. She couldn't remember how long it had been since she'd last just sat down with someone - anyone - and had a glass of wine or a cocktail. It seemed that in the Diamond court everyone just drank tea. She wasn't exactly complaining, she did enjoy tea and most of the nobility in the court had fairly good taste in it. She just missed the taste of a good glass of wine from time to time.

As Donnie spoke, Sadie's eyebrows furrowed for a moment, then a frown twitched at the corners of her mouth. "And the late Queen was alright with that?[/b]" she said, unable to comprehend or accept that thought. There were many things Sadie was open minded towards, but drugs had never been one of them. The idea of someone putting toxic chemicals into their body willingly, even during recreation time, made her feel sick. That Lysaras had allowed it, for in Sadie's mind there was no way she could have been ignorant of it... "Good on you, Donnie. You're sending out a strong message to that sort of person, and it's one I'd be happy to back you on.[/b]"

For a moment, Sadie couldn't help but wonder if suggesting a toast had been the wrong move to make. This was a thousand times worse than even the most important of the meetings she'd had thus far as Queen, and that was a fact that pissed her off. It shouldn't be this complicated! She shouldn't have to feel like every step could lead her over an edge that she really didn't want to tumble down before. The way that Donnie said safe made the Diamond shift slightly in her seat. She'd been thinking the same thing when she'd made that toast - what would be safe? What couldn't possibly be construed as not having a double meaning?

Really, it didn't seem like there was anything that was really safe.

"I'll toast to that,[/b]" Sadie said, a smile twitching at her lips as she threw back another long sip of wine. If Donnie's glass got low, Sadie'd be quick to refill it for her. "Honestly, it's been... Quite the ride. I'm the Queen now, like I've always said I would be. It would be better if Theofilus didn't have to die for my title, though. There's this constant layer of sadness around the courts. But it's nice working with Her Majesty Iria as one of my Queens. We're becoming quite the... feminine court.[/b]" she glanced up at Donnie, an almost sly smile on her face for a moment.

[The Jenn]

"Apparently she was," Donnie muttered with a disapproving snort. "Kept them happy, kept them doing their job... poorly. It was absolutely disgusting, some of the things people were getting away with in the palace. At least you're coming in after a competent, if old, ruler. Theofilus seemed a good sort. Very organized. His son inherited that from him, I think. One of them, anyway, Zane. He's a King of mine at the moment. Very good with numbers."

She was going to enjoy this wine, dammit. It was a good wine. She hadn't gotten to sit back and relax in a while, and this booth felt almost like home in a very strange way. She'd need to keep on her toes in present company, but... really. It had been Sadie who'd gotten back in contact with her. For the betterment of their Courts, they weren't going to do anything stupid. Surely not. Probably. Maybe?

Uneasy, she nevertheless smiled and took a few long sips at the wine. It was pleasant for now. Maybe if she kept the conversation upbeat, or at least talking about the general misfortunes of others and of politics, things would stay that way. "I envy you another Yarrow Queen, but I wouldn't trade Vessie. She's a right bitch of a Kahmden and her sense of humor can't be beat. Acidic in all the right ways. Her son is my other King and he's half-woman anyway, for all that his mate's apparently a male Esterberry sonnuva and he birthed a son. Vessie, though, her mate's a woman." It was said in the sort of approving tone that non-Yarrows generally reserved for such statements as "But she married a good Highland boy" or "He's got aspirations towards a title, you know".

More wine. Glup.