A New Start [End]

[Tigeress]

Inca started trying to run away, only to turn and pounce back, mouth aiming to gnaw gently on his nose, hooves pushing at him forcefully, though the daintyness of her legs put her at a disadvantage. She was small, even for a female, she had obviously inherited her mother's petite-ness. She fluttered the unusual appendages at him playfully, noting how they drew his attention. She didn't know what they were really, or why she had them and he didn't, they were just... there. And she was far too young to think she was unusual or special because of it.

So there it was. All of it. Dense? Had she really been so blind to his pain, consumed in her world of motherhood and possible mistakes that she hadn't even noticed why it was he left all the time? Perhaps it was true, but she'd had so much to think about lately. She didn't know the first thing about being a mother, and... well, maybe it was time to call up Syraelia. She thought she'd be able to do this on her own, but she was failing miserably. Being patient and giving Igal space hadn't worked, confronting him and trying to figure out just what was going through his head... well, it kind of worked, in that she at least had something to go on now.

Was this still all her fault? She had taken by the stench of sex and alcohol that at some point, he had moved on, given up on her and decided to seek other people. It made sense, didn't it? She wasn't any good to him so tangled up in the foster parent that he despised. She was tainted to him, she knew this, and she'd assumed this meant she wasn't what his heart wanted any longer. But perhaps this whole time, he had been playing along for her sake? Making light of her joking comments and trying to make his disinterest obvious just so that she would be more comfortable in the house with him?

She was about to speak, try to say something, anything, when he yelled at her once more and stormed from the room. She realized now that she'd been shaking from the cold, and dropped back under the water, holding her stomach. The queasyness had returned with a vengeance, but she needed to check on the children. So, it was all about her, even now, after all these months of pretending... and he'd expected that she just knew all along. Why was it she was expected to know all these things? The best she could seem to do was wait for it to come out straight to her, and try to patch things up. She painfully managed to pull herself from the tub, draining the water and collapsing on the floor, pulling the towel about her before attempting to dry off. She wasn't as dry as she wished she had been, but she could lie in a damp bed and worry about it later. Limping out to the living room, she was happy to see that the children were still all together, and looking quite content. Irving seemed to be a little perplexed, but she assumed it was because of the playfighting going on around him.

She noticed Igal had stopped to check on them and paused, getting to her knees as standing was simply too difficult without something to lean on. "Don't pretend for me, don't hide from me. This is the first time you've told me anything straight since the blowout with Silvanus. Igal... I want to do better, but I just can't. Not when this is the only way I can get a true glimpse inside. I'm not the most perceptive person, I'll admit it, but I've had my share of things to worry about too. Do you think I know how to be a good mother? I haven't the slightest clue! Do you think I don't realize that growing up without their real father will probably make them bitter? I can't hide the truths about their family from them forever, I can't protect them, I just can't... but I'm trying..." That was all she could do, try and fail and try again. She would always keep trying.

"I'm trying Igal but it's so hard. I can't live, trying to make you happy, trying to make myself happy, never knowing what either of us needs. But I am trying..." She began to cry at this, the first time in a long, long while. She realized that she was too much like Igal sometimes, she bottled everything up, and it just... came out when there was no more room. What more could she do? She felt so helpless. It was like Igal was wounded with a fatal injury, and she was no doctor, but still she always tried to staunch the bleeding, tried not to poke at it... and it just ripped itself open right in front of her.

[FlyingPanther]

Claudius was beginning to see the strange appendages as cheating. HE certainly didn't have those to play with...it was like...having extra front legs in a game like this. None the less he continued his chase and grapple with her until Igal came back in the room. That surely ment that mom was coming bak to give him more milk...right? He bounded to the edge of the blanket and waited anxiously for his mother. Aurelius awoke with the sound of Igal coming back in, and he was just as excited to see him as was Claudius, he began wiggling towards him as he had before. However, he soon saw his mother, struggling on the ground...and crying and suddenly his happiness turned to utter infintile grief. He wailed louder then he had wailed before, gaining the attention of Claudius and waking Ilana. She shifted, wondering what was wrong now.

Igal couldn't help but smile as he entered the room to check on the children, even though he had been pissed only moments before, just the sight of them had completely changed his mood. There was little hope for a good relationship with Irving for very long, he realized with a sigh, but hopefully the other children wouldn't hate him to badly. Maybe there was a chance he could do some good in this world.

He didn't look back at Astyana when her voice sounded, telling him not to pretend with her anymore. His nose wrinkled. He didn't want to look at her, he knew from the dragging sounds what he would find, and besides, he had decided he was finished with that conversation. He listened to her though, despite the fact he no longer felt like speaking with her. "At least you have people who are willing to help you. At least your children will have their mother. And if they complain, you do the same thing to them that your doing to me now. You can complain that your life is worse then theres because your parents were killed by that fucking rabbit." he glanced back at her now, his eyes cold like ice. He didn't mind lashing at her now, in fact, he gained some sick enjoyment from it. The nerve of HER to state that SHE was jealous. It was almost unfathomible.

But just as quickly as pleasure had kicked in, so did guilt. There before him she sat crying in a wet and pained puddle, and his mouth couldn't help but twitch. He looked away, only to then hear the noise of Aurelius crying. He looked over at the small creature, and all the others crowding around to comfort it. He looked back at Astyana. Back at Aurelius. Who should he comfort first? It was all his doing whereever he went. Now he began to felt ill. He wanted to breakdown and cry as well. Why was everything his fault? Couldn't it be someone elses fault for a change? But he didnt. He decided the child could cry his little head off...but Astyana was physically in need of assistence in drying and getting back to the children.

He strode over to her, despite every muscle telling him not to. He couldn't stand to see her cry so, even if only a moment ago she had caused him great pain. He sat down on his knees gently taking the towel away from her and beginning to dry her, applying force only if she attempted to push him away. "What I need will never happen...stop trying to make me happy...because it wont happen. You need to take care of yourself, and more importantly the children now. Everything in this world is hard. Nothing comes free. But you have people that are willing to help you...and you should be looking out for yourself as well."

[Tigeress]

Inca was obvlivious to her brother's jealousy over her having wings, although he seemed to tussle around them, giving them odd looks now and then as if he couldn't figure out just What they were, and Why they were there. This made her giggle a little, until she noticed Igal coming towards them, her mother following close behind. She was a little relieved, but at the same time, she had kind of wanted to learn how to play more. When she heard the sounds of her mother's distress, she curled up in on herself a little, not knowing what to do when her brother started to wail except to lean against him and nudge his head comfortingly. Irving began to wail just because he could feel the tension in the air, and he didn't like the sound of so much crying. It scared him.

"You think you have nobody who cares about you?" Her voice was strangled with disbelief and tears, though she chose to ignore the second part. Somehow her being distracted by motherhood issues had translated to 'my life is worse than yours' in his head. But in a way, it was. He had people who would love him, even for a night, people who wanted and needed him. She didn't really have that. Syraelia loved her, but not like a mother ever would, and she was quite busy with her own life now, having put it on hold for quite a while while Astyana had been growing up. Silvanus didn't love her, would never touch her again. She was still physically undesirable because of pregnancy, and she didn't like to go out and party. He had ways of finding people who cared, even if it was just for his body. She didn't. But even so, it had never bothered her, not until now, because she'd always had Igal to help her out. Now, there was an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

She put her hand to her head in misery as he came and began to dry her off, falling against him with her lack of balance and shaking from the tears and the cold. She didn't know he was blaming himself for this, because she had been too busy blaming herself. Somehow she said one wrong thing, and it was always the worst thing she could say. And then it was so hard afterwards to make it go away. "I can't seem to make myself happy, I can't seem to look after myself very well at all. When I'm left alone I make bad choices it seems... I wish I could make you happy Igal, and Silvanus, and every other life that has suffered because of all this. I just want to make it better somehow, even just a little... but it's the most difficult thing I've ever endured. I could be happy I think, if I could just balance the people I care for and make them happy." She was babbling now in guilt and embarassment, trying to piece together why it was she never focussed on herself. She wanted to be a good mother so her children would grow up well, she wanted Silvanus either in her life or out so they could adjust better, and he could get out of his depression. She wanted Igal to be happy, because it made her happy.

Thinking of the children... she should really get their bed into her room before she passed out and left Igal to do all the work, which he would, but she hated that guilt drove him to do it. This she could always see in his eyes, it blocked out everything else from her.

[FlyingPanther]

Ilana was fully awake now, trying to comprehend what was going on in her groggy state. Everyone was crying...or being scared. What just happned? She began nuzzling Aurelius and Irving, hoping that they would both calm themselves if she did a bit of snuggling, not really knowing what else to do. Claudius was bewildered that all of a sudden people started crying. He wasn't very good at comforting, hell he didn't know what to do at all. His mother was crying, that made him a bit sad...but...he just didn't understand. He stood on the sidelines watching everyone cry. Aurelius was crying so hard, he could potentially wake the neighbors if he wasn't sushed soon.

"I know I don't have anyone who cares for me." he said, looking at her as he dried her. "My parents abandoned me. My foster father betrayed my trust. I can garentee he didn't give a shit about me as he......" his lip began to twich "plowed into you....Hell...you didn't give a shit either. And no matter how many people i bring to bed. No matter how much physical pleasure i give to someone...none of them love me. They are all to drunk to even remember me at all in the morning. That or completely desperate for the physical attention, in which case...the only person they care about is their penis, butthole, or vagina." He shook his head, drying her back with long strokes along her spine. "I'm not attractive, I've been told that enough to know its true by now. The people I loved, don't love me. And the woman I love more then anything in this world just had someone elses babies, and can't possibly ever care for me the way she cares for him."

He finished drying her, and stood up, extending his had to her for her to grab so he could help her up. "I wont ever be happy. So stop worrying about that. Silvanus has something wrong with him...of that im sure. The only one to worry about is yourself."

[Tigeress]

The small femme blinked at Ilana as if asking for advice, she couldn't seem to get Aurelius to calm down at all, and normally from what she'd seen, all it was supposed to take was a little nudging or snuggling. Irving was pitifully coughing, so caught up in crying that he'd forgotten to take a breath and was now bent over, trying to hack up whatever had stopped his voice. When he calmed down he began to whimper, nuzzling Ilana so forcefully he might have drilled a hole through her with his nose.

She started to shake her head, face damp still with tears no matter how much he dried it and dried it again. "You're wrong... I made a mistake, but I care for you. Why do you think I can't stand it when you're mad at me? When you hide from me, try to decieve me... I just... I can't stand it!" She hiccuped the words out a little as she tried to find the right words, something to convince him. She couldn't argue with his comments about his one night stands. She wouldn't have wanted something like that even if she could have had it. She began to shake her head rapidly, a look of frustration on her face. "You're not ugly." Who would say that? He was a mixed breed and that was unusual, sure, but it didn't make him /ugly/.

"You don't love me, Igal." She hung her head as she accepted his hand and tried to balance on his shoulder, her breath coming a little quickly as another wave of nausia swam over her. She exhaled slowly before her anger got the btter of her. "I care for you much more than I care for Silvanus. I don't love him, that's for sure." It was bitter and it hurt her to hear but it was the truth. She didn't blame him for not being able to cope very well at all, or even for the events which had caused Igal to spiral down so far, but she knew for some reason she just didn't love him. Couldn't. She had been too young and too foolish to have been able to make the decision she did, what was his excuse? No, that was terrible, she was as much at fault if not even more so. But the time for blame was over.

She leaned up and placed her forehead gently against him, not knowing what she wanted to say, except that there was something that needed to be said. "One night of lust with Silvanus could never compare to the years of affection I had for you. I misunderstood, I think, what being romantic towards you might do to that. I was afraid that I would ruin the friendship we'd had, and those feelings would go. I think... maybe... I was too young to have made that decision."

[FlyingPanther]

Ilana gave Inca the same bemused expression the winged female had given her. She just...didn't have any idea how to stop all the crying, and honestly it was starting to worry her to tears as well. What in the world was going on? She snuggled hard with Irving, at first worried about his hacking before he calmed down. At least he wasn't crying as much anymore...now to stop Aurelius. But it seemed there was no consoling him. He cried like he was being beaten. He cried like the world was ending and he was being ripped apart by vicious hounds. Claudius grew even more dumbfounded by the spectical...not sure what he was going to do.

"When have I ever tried to decieve you! If anything I've been nothing but honest since the day we met in that basket!" He pushed back the anger that the comment had caused. There didn't need to be anymore anger now. Especially with the babies wailing as they were. He grabbed her up, holding her around her waist to help support her. "I'm a mix between a Rat and a Dog, Astyana. I'm not winning any beauty pagents." he said coldly. The comment or compliment she was trying to make wasn't true. Thats just the way the world was. If he was beautiful, maybe his parents would have kept him. I mean...hell he was a JACK and they didn't keep him. How fugly would he have to be to have his parents leave him even with his rank as it was?

He felt the anger rise again, but he swallowed it down like bad cough medicine, reluctantly. "I do love you. But it's pointless to." or so he thought, until he heard her speak. His heart skipped a beat when she lay her forhead against his, his stomach rising, wanting to throw itself up at the intimate gesture. He could hardly believe what he was hearing. She cared for him all along? Impossible. She had never cared for him! She even told him that she would never be his that one day. How could she be confessing these things to him? They just werent true. She was making it up. She had to be.

"You....are....the cruelest....cruelest person I've ever known." he said without so much as a thought to taking such a thing back. He began walking her to her room, wanting desperately to be rid of her for the night. He didn't want to talk with her anymore, he didn't want to have this conversation...these lies. "You don't mean any of it. Your just telling me what I want to hear. I can hardly believe you Astyana. I thought you were better then that. Telling me lies isn't going to make this situation better." he said as he fiddled with the door to her bedroom.

[Tigeress]

The winged female tried to tackle her brother, hoping maybe she could initiate some of that playing again, or maybe he'd lie down and she could nuzzle him like Ilana and Irving were doing. She was grateful that at least one of them had quieted, but she saw the nervous rising and falling of Ilana's small chest and worried that she might break out into tears as well. In fact, the nervousness building up inside her could very well lead to the same. Her mother wasn't crying as much now, but the voices were growing louder and hurt her ears.

"Every time you came home covered in the scent of the last person you were with, making jokes of it like we were basically siblings, you made me feel so... neutral, so... genderless. And I thought that by doing that you were trying to give me the hint, that I just... didn't affect you anymore." And how could she have? If he went out to them... yes a part of her was still pitifully jealous. She couldn't help it, but she wouldn't say it out loud again. Not right now, not for a long time, maybe not ever again.

She ignored his self depriciating comment, she couldn't explain why nobody had wanted him, but she did. She couldn't live here without him, couldn't do this without him. Nothing would be the same if he wasn't there, if something... happened to him. She thought back to his comment in the bathroom and started to cry again, so bewildered that he would even... "God... Igal... how could you want to die... please... don't die..." She managed to cough and sob out, oblivious to everything for the moment until he said that somehow, in some way, he still loved her. "If you loved me you'd believe the things I'd say, you... you wouldn't say some of the things you do..." She whispered the last part, hiding her head under his jaw as if she were afraid of him looking at her.

As he continued with his insults, she could only stare, dumbfounded, tripping in her surprise as he helped her along. "How... how could you..." She couldn't even finish the sentence, before he was at it again, assuming this was all some demented game. "Who do you think I AM Igal? You should know more than anyone I could never play those games with you. Igal... I was scared... I didn't want to loose what we had for something that may not have even worked out, you could have become bored of me like Silvanus... or..." She stared up at him with tears simply swimming down her face, how could he not understand at all? "I convinced myself you were only a friend, you only loved me like a friend, the same way I loved you..." She put her hand to her head in disbelief, that had all gone so terribly wrong.

[FlyingPanther]

Claudius was taken off guard when he was suddenly tackled by his sister. He wasn't sure right now was the time to be playing around, so he did nothing, instead staring intencely at wailing Aurelius. He pushed his sister off him with a hoof, but other then that he made no motion to play. Ilana looked at the two of them to help her with Aurelius, since Irving was needing to be comforted by herself. Aurelius only seemed to wail louder as the voices of their mother and the strange man grew in intencity. There just seemed like there would be no consoling this child.

"I don't want to hear it Astyana. I don't even remember joking about the people I've been with. Hell! I'm sure I dont even remember HALF the people I've been with. And If I did that I was drunk and being stupid." he said as he had pulled her down the hallway. He was getting angry now and he couldn't hold it back like he had a moment ago. "I'll die whenever I FEEL like it." he said, acting more like a child then ever. He just wanted her to hurt, for all the hurtful things she had said today, he just couldn't take it anymore...she was being so...cruel to him.

"You want to know who I think YOU are? I think YOU are the one that slept with my foster father. I think YOU are the one that said that I could NEVER be yours. I think YOU ARE the one who played GAMES with me before, and now your setting to make the fucking world record of playing games with me. For someone who was scared of loosing what we had...Youve done ALL the right things to make it so you WILL." he angrily opened the door, leading her to the bed, and attempting to hold his anger enough not to throw her on the bed. He immidiately turned around to head to the room with the children. He gritted his teeth. "I never would grow bored of you, but now that your love Silvanus isn't here to be the father of your children or fuck you every night, I can see what your doing. I'm growing BORED of these HORRIBLE lies you continue to spew into my ear, expecting me to eat them up like thanksgiving dinner. I'll be your lover, I'll love you forever if you would just honestly love me, but I will NOT be your PLAYTHING to whisper cruel promises to." with that he roughly left, heading back to the children.

[Tigeress]

((Inca had been trying to tackle Aurelius ^^))

It was obvious there was no reasoning with him, he was so stuck in self loathing that he only heard what his anger wanted him to hear, he wanted to be angry right now, and there was no way of changing that. She wouldn't ever give up on him, not like his family had, but she needed a break, from him and his anger and his 'woe is me' that she couldn't seem to penetrate through. "I said what I had to to stop you from having a reason to kill everyone who ever really gave a damn. Didn't mean I meant it." She said softly, referring to his comment about her saying he would never be hers. If he wanted to play cruel, fine, she would play honest as she had been doing all along, and apparently honesty was just as cruel to the canine mix.

"I've already told you I don't, and could not, love Silvanus. Obviously it is you who is the liar, to pretend you love me and then make me out to be a monster in your head. If you want to believe I'm out to hurt you, play with you, taunt you, then fine. Leave. Leave me to do this on my own because you're bitter that I couldn't make all the right decisions, say all the right things that I needed to. But I did the best I could. In a way, I'm glad you're yelling at me like this, I'm glad you're focussing on everything I've ever done wrong... perhaps this is your way of avoiding everything You did wrong, too." She shook her head sadly as she fell into the bed, listening to him making for the door angrily. "But I've never once truly held it against you..." She didn't care if he heard or not. She was tired of trying to forgive and forget, she was tired of honesty, tired of blame. She was just... so... tired...

Inca perked as Silvanus stormed back into the room, noticing the lack of her mother, she began to wail loud enough and high enough to rival Aurelius. Irving was starting to whimper again, too afraid to pull his eyes from her sister, he wasn't alone as long as Ilana was with him. His leg twitched, finding his brother still sitting near him, and this was enough to prevent another hiccuping sob from escaping him as he tried to wait patiently... his mother would come back.... all the crying would stop... soon, right?

[FlyingPanther]

[OOC: Oops...my bad ;]

Igal seemed to have a habit of thinking that everything said after he was wronged was lies. He had done this with his father when his father tried to explain what had happened with him and his mother, and now he was doing it with Astyana. It was a show of his bitterness, and his inner frailty. So easily broken that he had to think the other entirely evil to protect his emotional wellbeing. And yet, despite all the hurt Astyana had inflicted upon him, he continued to come back for more. Love was love, he supposed. You couldn't help who you cared about, and them treating you badly rarely changed things until others made an intervention. Not there was anyone to rescue Igal from his dark and despairing inner thoughts. He was sad that love had to be something entirely different from him. He would never have a fairytale ending. There would always be something to mess that up. And yet, that was all he wanted. To live happily ever after.

He didn't bother to listen to anything Astyana had to say. It was all lies to him in his anger. Nothing she said had any merit, so he simply ignored the fact she even had opened her mouth. Besides, he didn't really want to talk to her anymore. He wandered into the room, only to start another sobbing fit from one of the other children, Inca. He sighed, seemed the children disliked him already, though he couldn't blame them. He had made their mother cry, and even if she deserved it, they couldn't understand that. He reached down to pick up Aurelius and held him lightly over his sholder, a rather tender gesture, as he patted the crying boys back. It was almost theroputic. He could already feel his bloodpressure dropping drastically.

Aurelius wailed, but slowly found himself calming down, happy to be held. Besides, it was why he had started crying in the first place, he had been left alone, and then mom was crying. But now this man was being nice, even if he had come in the room a little scarily. He stopped crying after a few moments. Then Igal bent down to put him on the blanket, now reaching to pick up Inca and do the same. Aurelius looked at his siblings sniffling a bit. Ilana was glad to have him stop crying, and she continued to snuggle Irving, hoping he would calm down now that only one person was crying...and she was being helped. Claudius felt the tension serge and then go down again, and when it went down he relaxed.

When all the babies were calm again, or as calm as they were going to get. Igal gathered them up in the blanket, making sure to hold them all securely and went to face Astyana for the last time tonight. He placed them without looking at her right next to her, and quickly turned to leave. "You'll have to deal with them yourself tonight. I'll be back in the morning." tell tale words of what he was about to leave to go do, only he didn't have money. So it most likely involved trying to gain someone's attention enough to buy them beer, and pay them back with the only thing he did have...